Boston Woman, Amandeep Devgan, Goes Viral Overnight; Experts Scrambling, Vareyam Unbothered

BOSTON - Here is the thing about Amandeep Devgan: she will tell you she is a bhola panchi. A simple, innocent bird, just minding her own business, no agenda, pure of heart, sau bacha. She has said this multiple times. With complete conviction. She also, this newspaper can confirm, has extremely strong opinions about lassi, can speak at length about Punjab with the energy of someone defending a doctoral thesis, and will give you a nickname you didn't ask for and cannot escape. Bhola panchi. Sure!

The investigation, conducted over the course of one afternoon, paints a portrait of a woman who operates at an unusual frequency. She is witty in the way that catches you off guard; you laugh, then three seconds later you realise you were also slightly insulted, and then you laugh again because honestly, fair enough. Experts say this constitutes a form of psychological judo that has not yet been formally classified. Our legal experts are not lawyers. We feel this is worth disclosing.

On the subject of what the she refers to as "the dinosaurs"; a musical band this publication is legally cautious about naming. She maintains a categorical, non-negotiable ban on Pink Floyd in any listening environment she considers her own.

The creative portfolio is, frankly, annoying. Sources confirm she bakes with the same confidence she deploys in arguments; the output is consistently excellent, and she is aware of this. The paintings are described by multiple witnesses/colleagues as "really good, which is unfair."

The dahi situation warrants its own paragraph. Her enthusiasm for dahi and lassi is, sources agree, a defining characteristic. One Toronto-based source, who cannot be named but has expressed opinions about dahi on more than one occasion, described her relationship with these items as "genuinely baffling and also very Punjabi." He declined to elaborate. He seemed personally affected.